Is this thing on?

End of decade approaching, End of epic year approaching, 5 year anniversary of my 1st MRI coming on Sunday, my annual MRI coming on Saturday - all of which is to say, a series of  interstitial intersections, an ocean swell of disproportionate conditions blowing in suddenly, clouds and vapor, all heralding some cymbal-clashing stripe of monumental momentousness that I feel some compunction to comment on but....

...what does it all mean really?

or rather does it need to be shared? Some things are not fully formed. Some things can lay underground, unstated, no less potent for going unvoiced.  There is a difference between silence and reduction. A process of refinement lies on one side of the equation, stasis on the other. Idle muteness vs. Subtraction.  Saying vs. Doing. Costume vs. Skin. Persona vs. Person.

To say the absolute least: this year has been transformative. Much was lost, much was gained. One hopes in some sort of cosmic accounting that everything is settled. The 1st 10 months of the year were a voluminous rise of good tiding and atmosphere-departing growth, the last two a sobering hammering back to earth by death, in various forms, literal and imagined, promised and delivered. A reminder of the finite threads we hang from. Which fucks with me already to no end, tied as it to the brain tumor but lining up w/ a series of benchmarks makes it worse: Here comes 5 year anniversary of Diagnosis! Surgery 1! Surgery 2! Proton Beam Radiation! cue the horns, cue the strings, furious drumroll: what does it all mean?

I step to the microphone, clear my throat:

I have no answer. After the mysterious good fortune to overcome hurdles that some do not,  to leap safely across black-hole alligator-jaw-snapping abysses that some do not, I have no secret to claim, no mystical cosmic intonation, no hidden knowledge beyond what everyone knows from reading greeting cards or watching endless televised sludge: 

life is short

as it happens, there's more going on than fumbly survivorship thoughts, those interstitial intersections again, things i'm excluding, the deep dark under a layer of ice on a lake in winter, but i have to leave it there.
more one day.

So, how is that for sharing? For silence? Now do you understand?


Elizabeth Munroz said...

How can one understand that which is not understandable except, perhaps, through the beating of one's heart.

bp said...

yes, thanks elizabeth

ms. yvon said...

well said, and not said, bp.