giant insects

the best i have felt in the last several years was standing on top of a dune on the southern oregon coast 2 weekends ago. we wandered up a forested path near our campground w/ no real plan and kept going. soon we could see a gigantic dune in the distance, urging us toward it. a short time later we stood at the bottom of it. we scrambled to the top w/ some effort and took in the impossible vista: ocean to the west, forest to the east, endless dunes north and south. the wind was steady and strong, blue sky, not too hot. the insect-like buzz of motorcycles and dune buggies off in the distance, intermittently coming into sight and then disappearing. a teeming wealth of glorious photo ops but I left my phone and camera back at the campsite. I was pissed at first but all I could do was document it in my mind. the longer i sat there watching there were slow openings: i had been wrestling w/ some concerns for upcoming movie projects and they suddenly felt so minor. everything human is really so gd tiny. I have to hold on to this feeling I thought.

later that day while everyone was back at the campsite I hiked back to dunes w/ camera. the giant dune was too far away for me to make the trek but i took some pix from the top of a younger sister dune. pix were fine but they didn't touch what was in my head. the perfection of it, the power of it. it was a weak facsimile, a bloodless iteration.

contemplating this all a week later I wondered was the magic ingredient was not having my phone w/ me? no ability to check/update, no ability to document the moment w/ photo. no choice but to be present. no way out. if i had been taking pictures I would not have been seeing. but then these are just tiny insect thoughts.

MM on Residency - Days 2 and 3

Monday woke at 5 am, or rather N woke at 5 am, still adjusting to daylight savings. I was fried from waking up to be w/ F no less than 10 times, one for no water, one for bathroom, the rest for either coughing or coughing-related issues. N was excited to go finish his legos but it was 5 so I said no and split the difference (usually he's up at 6) saying if he stayed in bed for 30 min to read he could go and do the legos at 530. oy. so he did. Both kids and me fully up around 610. I had to make judgement call of whether or not to send F to preschool. part of me thought she was ok enough, but the other part thought it would be ill-advised. asked my mom to come over to watch F and she said sure. now it's 6:15 meaning there were about 2.25 hours to fill/kill b/f grandma came over. endless negotiations about every possible bit of minutae about everything. exhausting and deflating. somehow we make it through breakfast (was today the day N at 3 hard-boiled eggs? or was that yesterday?) Somehow N gets dressed. Grandma comes over at 820 or so. N and I and the dog walk up to Lewis Elementary. He goes in to class. check. Go home with dog. say goodbye to mom and F. drive down to bybee max station but naturally there's nowhere to park except on a street a million miles away. whatever. get on max, go to work.

the accoutrement of kid-care

at work. all well there except endless chaos of work-related items. around 2:30 I get call from person afiliated w/ bigger-deal film related thing (even though we said 3). he tells me the details and I ask questions. I hang up and email my producer Dave M. all looking good but figuring path forward on how to make Sister/Brother. We will need some $.

Home, excited to put kids to bed and go downstairs to watch rest of Remains of the Day. I let them watch show while I make dinner (frozen pizza!). we eat. F is in bed by 6:22. I leave N's room by 8 p. But then F starts coughing. And coughing, and coughing. I get downstairs w/ glass of wine ready to watch movie but she's crying and half-asleep and uncomfortable. I'm starting to lose control of my steadiness, starting to feel a little edgy b/c I just want to be off-duty for like an hour or so but that's not looking possible. I start/stop the movie no less than 4 times to go lay w/ her, remedicate her, readjust her pillows, readjust the humidifier etc. Over it. Watch end of movie and it's so GD spectacular.  How has it been so long since I've seen? Perfect mix of craft and memory and time and regret, right in my wheelhouse. To bed.  F wakes me up multiple times. Middle of night her fever is back, over 100 now.

N wakes up at 5:50, progress. I decide to let him get up. I decide to call in to work so I can stay home w/ F b/c Grandma did it mon and she's going to be w/ N all day on Wed (no school November PPS!) plus what harm can come from me staying home? I tell Grandma/Grandpa they are off the hook today but they offer/insist on taking N to school anyway.  We do FaceTime w/ MM around 8. She shows us her badass lodgings and the particulars of what's going on out there in WY. Grandma shows at 8:15 and 20 min later she and N walk up to school. She agrees to stay w/ F when she gets back so I can walk dog (ie LB). A few moments later my dad stops in. says he saw grandma and N walking to school. He agrees to stay w/ F so I can walk LB. I run into my mom on the walk. We talk about these kids and reminisce about when she called me on the phone (this is at SE 80th a million yrs ago) and she said "Are you EVER going to have kids?" ha ha. She tells me my dad while out of woods re lymphoma and re cancerous growth on his scalp is contending w/ carcinoma on nose. Life this never-ending BS of dealing w/ these mortal bodies. Over it. Back home and they leave and me and F are together all day.

We play and read and do play-doh and then a car pulls in our driveway. it's the project manager for the bathroom remodel we're ensnared in. He's just coming to check on some stuff in advance of tomorrow's elec inspection. whatever I say and mention how we haven't had power in the garage since the demo about 2 mos back. He says he can ask electrician to look at it as if I'm asking him for some favor or something. I say, no this is from the demo and also the electrician might want to know in case the circuit is tied in to the bathroom that's being remodeled and he says "oh yeah". He leaves and me and F go watch SING in the basement but 1/2 way she gets sleepy. we have lunch and I put her down for nap. about 75 min.

She wakes up sad that momma is gone so we do facetime again. F does some playdoh and I take some pix. N and grandpa come in around 310. N has lost his brandnew blue jacket. Somewhere on the playground at AM recess. Grandpa said they went to the office to look thru lost and found but it wasnt there. Problem since N is off school for the next 3 school days plus the wknd and it might get cold. Oh well. I make kids do quiet time and then let them watch a show while I fold laundry. I also change their sheets and put their laundry away. I make dinner while N nobly lets F play legos in his room. I am braced for shit to go south any second but he is in the zone and ably navigates her somewhat annoying interplay and demeanor. We eat dinner (burritos, quesadillas) and brush teeth. I put N down first and then F. I pour a healthy amount of wine into a glass and sit at the computer documenting this. I plan what movie to watch tonight, stuck b/t Tati, Cassavettes, Bergman or just watching dumb shows. TBD,  will advise.