Report from Manzanita - the black sea screening

Got invited to screen the black sea at the Hoffman Arts Center in Manzanita Beach, Ore on 8/28/15 (as part of the Manzanita Film Series.) Took the day off work on Friday. Still had to take N on the bus to day care to the very building I work in but just for a half day. Back home I did copious straightening and arranging (read: tossing swarms of toys back in the playroom) and packing (read: tossing tshirt into a backpack), went for a run, took the dog for a walk and then it was time to hit the road. M and F and I went to pick up N and we took the 26 out to the coast.

Multiple sensations just doing this drive, charged as it is with the inception/development of the film as well as my recovery after surgery 1 in 2005, as well as production, as well as family trips to Arch Cape etc etc. Funny to drive past house where we shot in AC and head on to Manzanita, also passing tunnel and running trail that appear in the film.

We checked into hotel. I met David. D at the center and we did a quick tech run through. Being in the room I felt a sudden low surge of panic swell up (as I do prior to each screening), my imminent exposure as talentless fraud about to be made public. This feeling dissipated soon after, spending time on the beach with my wife and kids, then roared back at dinner with them and my parents. An all-consuming, shrieking red-alert klaxon, volume rising each minute, FRAUD, FRAUD FRAUD. This makes me a poor conversationalist at dinner.

Later walked to center with my folks. Stood outside with David D for a few minutes prior to screen time. Then lo and behold I was on stage introducing the film, trying to recall M's urging that I shouldn't ever deviate from planned remarks b/c it ends poorly. I said what I planned to say and then deviated and it ended poorly.

At last the lights were down and the film played. The room skewed older than previous screenings which led me to presume it would be off-putting out of the gate but got many more laughs than last screening so my presumption was wrong (which led my dad to later chide me for being ageist.) A woman entered 15 min or so in with a small child in tow which I felt strongly was a bad call given the harsh language and adult scenes (note: not adult like porn adult but adult like some violence and existential dread) but she stayed put.

Q&A afterward was more uncomfortable for me than CGIFF where I had the luxury of a cavernous auditorium and a microphone to hide behind. Here I was on the dais in front of a mixed reception. I don't mind making a film that splits reception but that doesn't mean I want to stand in front of pointed what-the-hell-did-i-just-watch glares. I made some quip about how the ending of the film intrigues half of the viewers and annoys the other half. Instantly half of the room started laughing, the annoyed half one presumes.

The woman with the kid said she and her friend had a complex theory about the film which involved a lot of intuition and filling-in-the-blanks and happened to be not far from the mark, all the more amazing that she arrived at it w/ juggling her kid and missing the first 15 min of the movie. She replied she had a background in criminalogy.

The BT reared its head again (BT = brain tumor) which added to my discomfort. Granted I brought it up but to exclude it when discussing the origin/development of the film seems disengenuous. I can't be objective about film and strip that part of my narrative away for the sake of ease. This is an area to work on for upcoming screenings and Q & A's

Afterward, beers w/ David D and M at the San Dune Pub sitting out back while a surf rock band played inside. A lightning strike and a rumble of thunder signalled time to go and the impending storm due the next AM. It dogged us all the way home.

day job merits

I am not lucky enough to have a trust fund or a pool of cash. I am not fortunate enough to laze around all day musing about films I'm going to see, ponder, make. There are bills. There are kids. Sometimes one hears that the pursuit of lofty creative goals requires diving full in, leaving behind the constraints of daily life, and rising seemingly automatically to the station of fully-formed artist by virtue of doing so. But I've met people without day jobs or kids who aren't necessarily any more productive. (And yes some who are.) A day job gives me money and health insurance - vital w/ my backstory -  but also a structure, a rock to push off from, and at times to rally against, to urge me forward creatively. Its merit lays in its implicit artlessness.

My day job has zero to do with my creative pursuits. I have an MFA in Screenwriting but I don't want to pursue teaching*. For me a day job that is related even partially to filmmaking is a trap, just close enough to what I want to do to get me stuck, to trick myself into thinking I'm doing the thing I want to do or that it somehow feeds/serves the thing I want to do but ignoring the massive time/energy demands of doing so. I don't want to teach. I don't want to make videos or commercials. I don't want to read other people's screenplays and/or guide them through a series of screenplay principles that won't necessarily impact their ability to find marketplace success. I only want to write and direct feature films. Thus far I've managed one, the black sea.

Has day job impacted my ability to put projects together? Possibly but I need it. Or at least I have up til now. It gives a rudder to propel me away from listless ocean dead zone where nothing at all would get done. Given the opportunity to do it over I would probably do the same thing.

As such I am very interested in reading how others navigate these waters. I mean, I have always been drawn to the mundane elements of the artist's daily life - negotiating bad relationships, buying groceries, paying bills, standing in line - all the seemingly meaningless tasks and endeavors that one presumes don't concern the artist. [Undergirding this is a question I haven't been able to confirm: is it possible to be a good person in life and in art or is it either/or?]

related:
this piece from Filmmaker magazine
this interview with w/ actor and filmmaker Rebecca De Ornelas

*Note: this is only for me. Plenty of people are able to teach and do their creative work with no repercussion.

near yachats, ore

p

oregon coast, near lincoln city

drove out yesterday to see m. she was 6 days into her month-long residency and we assumed it would be better to see each other right at the beginning. suffice to say, it's spectacular where she is. epic. good things are coming.

oregon coast

spent wknd here w/ family, 2 dogs, as epic storm/s pounded.

in the past

went to coast a couple wknds ago to beach house to celebrate my parents' 40 yrs of marriage. the previous time i had visited this particular house was 4 yrs prior, just me and margaret and max, just after my first brain surgery. it was there i spoke w/ neurosurgeon as i weighed the good/bad of a craniotomy, it was there i made the decision to have craniotomy. and suddenly in a finger-snap 4 yrs tock by and i am well and max has died and our new dog is alive and effervescent

central coast of oregon

spent this wknd on the oregon central coast, near yachats, at our favorite place in honor of mm rounding the bend and ripening to 34. [this pic is actually from a prior visit but it will have to suffice until i find some time].

it was another tremendous visit: good weather, 2 great hikes, some flopping, some good meals, some seals, whale sightings, 2 bald-eagles. after all the anxiety of the past several weeks it was also a much needed respite, a spot to regather and recenter. feel much better, thanks.

assorted ocean and yachats, ore

here's a bunch of photos from a trip to yachats

ebb

coasting

been a little behind the updating of events of late. no surprise there I suppose
but a lot has been going on. a couple wks ago we went back to ocean-haven
and stayed at our favorite place.
the plan was a vacation. that’s it. no musts or shoulds or
have to’s.
might sound ridiculous since we’d just been
to europe but traveling is diff from vacation.
the weather was stunning and tremendous.
we ate at both yuzen & landmark again.
hiked up to cape perpetua again.
drank wine out under the starscape again.
a word popped up over the wknd that I’m still grapppling w/: transmutation.
more on that in the coming year(s)