MM on Residency - end/return

really flubbed the landing there. meant to do a real-time day by day account of what it was like with aims to sort of document the price of art and love and marriage where both parties are pursuing something creative and there is taxation w/ in. I'll just say that there were a couple big low points (the macaroni night, Thurs b/f MM came home) but I weathered, we weathered. I am so proud of MM and cannot wait to see what kinds of fruit this trip bore her. Also, I'll get her back when I shoot my next movie Sister/Brother in the spring or summer of 2018

MM on residency - night 7, day/night 8, day 9

a blur of compromise and moments blended with good and bad in equal loops and rotations. two very good things: dinner w/ friends and other kids and playdate the next AM at other friend's house. both of these were moments to re-set and take a breath, find community w/ other parents and get some space from kids and allow them to play/connect w/ other kids. very grateful for that. also grateful that my mom and dad watched kids for an hour or two on Sat afternoon so I could go to New Seasons and then to have a beer at Corkscrew in Eastmoreland (but they of course were closed for private party!). Sunday afternoon, after nap they stepped up again and come over for an hour so I could rehearse my presentation for work today and to go to New Seasons (again! over and over). I purchased app so I can count down minutes/hours til MM comes home. This AM kids up early but school. My mom and dad come over and take them to school so I can go to do my presentation and then they pick them up and are at home w/them now waiting for me. I drove to 17th and Rhine max station again and should really stop on way home to get some food for dog. Just a few more nights. Plus I am home on Thurs and Fri. Hallelujah! (amount of work I have done on anything film related in the past few days is zero. Plus I had grand plans to revisit whole untapped swaths of cinema watching but thus far have managed to take in Remains of the Day, the 1st hour of Mon Oncle, 3 episodes of Mindhunter).

MM on Residency - night 5, day/night 6, day 7

Good things: kids still alive; successful visit to Burgerville, successful trip to Lewis Elementary to play and walk dog; successful visit to Rose Garden w Grandpa and N to watch Blazer game; semi-successful trip to Playground Gym; F agrees to take bath and let me wash her hair

Bad things: kids fight in car on street by playground gym; N karate chops F in throat; things spiraling out of my agency; F punches N in eye; nobody’s listening to me; N brings MMs big ergo ball upstairs even though i tell him not to; N and F play around in hallway in said ball, N lands face on floor, nose gushing blood; screaming; shrieking; nobody is listening to me; me relying on iPad too much; that steady burn in my gut

MM on Residency - Night 4, Day 5

Holy moly, last night was absolute shitshow. Got home to find the meal had been prepared by kids (w/ help from G & G, who promptly departed upon my arrival): fruit skewers and rice bowls w/ lots of fixings and additions. We finished eating at 5:15 and I had to clean everything up. Kids had both had endless rivers of screen time so we couldn’t pivot to a show. I tried to get them in their pjs and start early bed time all while kind of piecemeal cleaning where I could. F still not feeling well is just roaming the house crying ‘mama, mama’ and N I can feel ramping up. Eventually we are in the bathroom and he’s punching and kicking me and I’m trying every stripe of Buddhist patience and honoring the moment and speaking to him as adult and bargaining and negotiating to no avail and I grab him and put him over my shoulder and tactically attempt a primal papa bear type shriek/howl. This would be my great undoing. Things escalate from there and I am awaiting the police any second b/c no doubt the neighbors can hear the screaming and barking. F comes in and is sitting on my lap crying for mama and N is across from me throwing things at my face. I eventually wait it out and things slowly begin to recede from threat and I am able to put F in her room in bed and N in his. Everyone is hollowed out and fried. I make it downstairs with a glass of wine and sit on the futon and within seconds F has coughs herself awake and starts crying. This pattern would repeat several times. Instead of watching a work of cinematic genius my scattered mind tries multiple things: 5 min of The Trigger Effect, 5 min of Bojack Horseman, 5 min of  Mindhunter. None of them stick. I am fried and hollowed out and drink too much and binge eat some raided Halloween candy and none of it makes me feel better, only worse. The only good of the night is that F’s fever doesn’t return. At 2 am she coughs herself awake and then I am up and I begin catastrophic thinking and get fearful b/c MM has not touched base w/ me all night and I know she must be dead in WY frozen or bear-eaten so I call her at 2am and wake her up and freak her out. But she’s fine.

The next day the kids have a dance party that predictably ends w/ F screaming b/c she hit her head on the doorframe.

I take F to preschool. Me and N go to BiMart for mop and clock and New Seasons for shredded cheese and beers. We go home and play and clean up and then at 11 we go see Lego Ninjago. F takes a nap at preschool for the first time all year and her fever doesn’t come back. At present I am writing while they are being annoying as hell around me, near-fighting and trying my patience in severe way. I cannot wait until they are asleep and feel like an asshole for thinking that. My reserves of patience and energy are severely low.

amount of work I've done on anything related to cinema or myself: zero

MM on Residency - Day 4

as it happens I didn't watch Bergman or Cassavettes.  I went back and forth on a few choices, watched the first 4 min of a longer Criterion movie that wasn't a great fit for me, started Weekend by Andrew Haigh and got 2 min in b/f MM called. We talked for close to 40 min and then it was too late to finish movie so I watched the next episode of Mindhunter but fell asleep, waking when F was wailing "Mama, Mama" due to a bad dream, discomfort or some mix of both.

Went to bed. F woke me up at 12:50. I laid w/ her for an hour and then N screamed "Dada, Dada" b/c he had a bad dream. By now I was wide awake so I did crossword puzzle for long time until I finally felt the pull of sleep. turned out light and went to sleep. ten min or so later F woke me up crying. This pattern repeated a few more times. around 5:30 I came out of her room again but cat mewing to go outside, N got up to use bathroom, I fed dog. I pleaded w/ N to go back to sleep and let me sleep until 630, (as we normally are up at 6). he said sure. by some miracle F stayed asleep. He came and woke me at 630 and we read chapter of his book and then F woke up. Kids were crazy. FaceTimed w/ MM and it started good but ended w/ them talking over one another, F sobbing, N hurt in the neck when F pulled him. Oy. I let them start a show and then Grandma and Grandpa came over. I got F fully dressed and got her in the car but electrician showed up to look at bathroom remodel. I had to show him where panel was and explain we've had 3 GFCI's and one overhead light in garage that hasn't worked since demo a few wks ago. he said ok. I drove Fred to preschool. (I gave her a dose of cough medicine and advil right before drop off). I drove to Max stop in Brooklyn, right at 17th and Rhine but it took me so long to park that by the time I was parked and walking to the station and just 2 blocks away the max was pulling up and I couldn't catch it. Waited 14 min in the chilly AM for the next one.

At work I emailed grant guy about sister/brother grant and investor deal, asking him to qualify what he told me. turns out I misunderstood a key point. No big deal. Had acupuncture appt at 10 and went running on treadmill at noon. both were key since I've been exceedingly focussed on others the last few days. Headed home in a few. Grandma and Grandpa are w/ kids making dinner (polka dot rice and fruit skewers). I have to decide which movie to watch tonight provided kids sleep long enough to allow it.

MM on Residency - Days 2 and 3

Monday woke at 5 am, or rather N woke at 5 am, still adjusting to daylight savings. I was fried from waking up to be w/ F no less than 10 times, one for no water, one for bathroom, the rest for either coughing or coughing-related issues. N was excited to go finish his legos but it was 5 so I said no and split the difference (usually he's up at 6) saying if he stayed in bed for 30 min to read he could go and do the legos at 530. oy. so he did. Both kids and me fully up around 610. I had to make judgement call of whether or not to send F to preschool. part of me thought she was ok enough, but the other part thought it would be ill-advised. asked my mom to come over to watch F and she said sure. now it's 6:15 meaning there were about 2.25 hours to fill/kill b/f grandma came over. endless negotiations about every possible bit of minutae about everything. exhausting and deflating. somehow we make it through breakfast (was today the day N at 3 hard-boiled eggs? or was that yesterday?) Somehow N gets dressed. Grandma comes over at 820 or so. N and I and the dog walk up to Lewis Elementary. He goes in to class. check. Go home with dog. say goodbye to mom and F. drive down to bybee max station but naturally there's nowhere to park except on a street a million miles away. whatever. get on max, go to work.

the accoutrement of kid-care

at work. all well there except endless chaos of work-related items. around 2:30 I get call from person afiliated w/ bigger-deal film related thing (even though we said 3). he tells me the details and I ask questions. I hang up and email my producer Dave M. all looking good but figuring path forward on how to make Sister/Brother. We will need some $.

Home, excited to put kids to bed and go downstairs to watch rest of Remains of the Day. I let them watch show while I make dinner (frozen pizza!). we eat. F is in bed by 6:22. I leave N's room by 8 p. But then F starts coughing. And coughing, and coughing. I get downstairs w/ glass of wine ready to watch movie but she's crying and half-asleep and uncomfortable. I'm starting to lose control of my steadiness, starting to feel a little edgy b/c I just want to be off-duty for like an hour or so but that's not looking possible. I start/stop the movie no less than 4 times to go lay w/ her, remedicate her, readjust her pillows, readjust the humidifier etc. Over it. Watch end of movie and it's so GD spectacular.  How has it been so long since I've seen? Perfect mix of craft and memory and time and regret, right in my wheelhouse. To bed.  F wakes me up multiple times. Middle of night her fever is back, over 100 now.

N wakes up at 5:50, progress. I decide to let him get up. I decide to call in to work so I can stay home w/ F b/c Grandma did it mon and she's going to be w/ N all day on Wed (no school November PPS!) plus what harm can come from me staying home? I tell Grandma/Grandpa they are off the hook today but they offer/insist on taking N to school anyway.  We do FaceTime w/ MM around 8. She shows us her badass lodgings and the particulars of what's going on out there in WY. Grandma shows at 8:15 and 20 min later she and N walk up to school. She agrees to stay w/ F when she gets back so I can walk dog (ie LB). A few moments later my dad stops in. says he saw grandma and N walking to school. He agrees to stay w/ F so I can walk LB. I run into my mom on the walk. We talk about these kids and reminisce about when she called me on the phone (this is at SE 80th a million yrs ago) and she said "Are you EVER going to have kids?" ha ha. She tells me my dad while out of woods re lymphoma and re cancerous growth on his scalp is contending w/ carcinoma on nose. Life this never-ending BS of dealing w/ these mortal bodies. Over it. Back home and they leave and me and F are together all day.

We play and read and do play-doh and then a car pulls in our driveway. it's the project manager for the bathroom remodel we're ensnared in. He's just coming to check on some stuff in advance of tomorrow's elec inspection. whatever I say and mention how we haven't had power in the garage since the demo about 2 mos back. He says he can ask electrician to look at it as if I'm asking him for some favor or something. I say, no this is from the demo and also the electrician might want to know in case the circuit is tied in to the bathroom that's being remodeled and he says "oh yeah". He leaves and me and F go watch SING in the basement but 1/2 way she gets sleepy. we have lunch and I put her down for nap. about 75 min.

She wakes up sad that momma is gone so we do facetime again. F does some playdoh and I take some pix. N and grandpa come in around 310. N has lost his brandnew blue jacket. Somewhere on the playground at AM recess. Grandpa said they went to the office to look thru lost and found but it wasnt there. Problem since N is off school for the next 3 school days plus the wknd and it might get cold. Oh well. I make kids do quiet time and then let them watch a show while I fold laundry. I also change their sheets and put their laundry away. I make dinner while N nobly lets F play legos in his room. I am braced for shit to go south any second but he is in the zone and ably navigates her somewhat annoying interplay and demeanor. We eat dinner (burritos, quesadillas) and brush teeth. I put N down first and then F. I pour a healthy amount of wine into a glass and sit at the computer documenting this. I plan what movie to watch tonight, stuck b/t Tati, Cassavettes, Bergman or just watching dumb shows. TBD,  will advise.

MM on Residency - Day 1

 documenting this just as element of living the artistic dream. will try to add every day

Sunday, MM woke around 4 a and left. I caught her just as taxi was pulling up, ready to take her to airport for 3 flights (13 days in WY, part of her being finalist for Pen/Hemingway for People Like You).  I went back to bed but F had cough and fever and so she was waking up every few moments and then on top of that it was daylight savings so the kids internal clocks woke them at 5 a instead of 6 a. fun!

we got through the morning slowly. since it was grey and cloudy and cold i let the kids climb into bed w/ me and watch shows on the ipad so I could doze mindlessly beside them. By the time all that was done it was 8 am and the day stretched before me like a long road.  breakfast and then walked the dog. then got them into the car and went to Tryon Creek, a frequent haunt. walking in the woods is harder w/ 2 kids, both of whom wanted to be carried at same time. made it home for lunch and then they both napped. i watched e1 of mindhunter.

after naps gave them presents from MM (lego and butterfly costume) and then went to grandma and grandpa P's. then back home for dinner and bed. F's cough/fever persists so gonna keep her home on Monday and grandma P will help.

at night, I am working on fundraising trailer for my next feature film Sister/Brother. version 1 is edited just needs color correction and final sound mix. re-watched Remains of the Day and freaked out at how great it is, though i only got in an hour b/f starting to get drowsy. Headed to bed and F woke me up every 30 min or so.

rejection

Another day, another rejection. This iteration from a film festival rejecting my feature film the black sea. So empty and meaningless on the one hand and so impossibly hard to take on the other. Backstory: I've been directing in earnest for about 5 years. Made several shorts and a feature and received exclusively rejection from festivals. This followed 7 years in Los Angeles during and after film school, peddling spec screenplays that never found takers so there is a history here, a pattern of NO. My natural internal response is to build a narrative made of equations, if this then thats, something to the order of my screenplay rejected = my screenplay sucks; my short film rejected = my short film must be terrible; my feature film rejected = my feature film was ill-advised and I should have hung it up years ago and now I'll just be left w/ the crushing financial debt of making the film as an endless reminder of my talentlessness. The longer I continue, the more calcified this narrative becomes, the more definitive, a self-serving poisonous loop reinforcing its own existence. The problem with these equations are the factors they omit - the particulars of the spec screenplay marketplace, the variables and machinery of film festivals, the artistic aim/intent of my projects fitting into some digestible, commercial construct - and the reduction of these complex omissions into a yes/no couplet that ties directly to my infantile need for approbation (which should not factor in to artmaking but which invariably is a drive for some, okay, for me.)

Let me re-iterate some basic points I've made before, primarily for my benefit:

1) I did not make 'the black sea' to find commercial success, I made it because I had to tell/expell the film. (note: I am not rejecting commercial success here b/c I'd love some)
2) Acceptance in a film festival is not the same as making a good film.
3) Rejection is a vital component of any artistic enterprise
4) Remember this lojong in perpetual, eternal white flashing loops:
Don't Expect Applause.
5) On to the next one.
6) when in doubt see 4 and 5
7) Film history is rife with films that were scorned/ignored at release but that time has been kind to. Is the value diminished? Better yet should the value be tethered to audience response/interaction at all?
8) the artist is fed her/his own equation across a lifetime, both in and out of artistic pursuit: hard work = reward. if this then that. if you pour yourself into your work, if you slave and scrimp and sacrifice and sweat then it will all be worth it. If you just write one more spec then that will be the one. If you make short films then that will lead to great things. If you just make a feature then you will be in a different place. If you work hard then it will pay off. I submit that this is still true (perhaps evidence of my mania) but the definition of 'pay off' has morphed and mutated over the years, into something like #9
9) the work is the reward is the work is the reward is the work is the reward is the work is the reward is the work is the reward is the work is the reward is the work is the reward is the reward is the reward is the work
10) Don't Expect Applause.

doves and crocodiles

Walter Murch: "Three Fathers of Cinema" from Old School Cinema on Vimeo.

the great walter murch discusses the 18th century confluence of realism in literature and dynamism in music - two rivers joining to create cinema.
a bit on the longer side but it's worth a look.

man v myth

just finished mitchell zuckoff's fantastic oral biography of robert altman (titled, amazingly enough, robert altman: an oral biography). altman has long been a personal hero not only for the films themselves but also due to his image: renegade auteur issuing steady 'fuck you's to the suits in service of art. a filmmaker able to navigate between studio and non-studio - yes, w/ varying results - and enjoy rich decades of work.

however the book managed to puncture that mythic aura a bit (granted i'm at fault for allowing myself to play along) by showing the more human aspects: destructive habits, child-like self-regard, familial neglect etc. it's been messing with me. can you respect/love an artist who is an asshole in life? further, can you be a great artist without being an asshole in life? that is, do the particulars of art demand a certain selfishness, an exclusion of others at the expense of others? i'd really like to think not but as i reflect on great filmmakers that i admire (for their films that is) i do not admire them so much in life. they've either had strings of divorces, affairs, substance problems, monomanical treatment of subordinates on set, married their adopted daughters, or some combination. do you get a pass b/c you can make a film? or rather, do poor 'real-life' qualities invalidate, blunt, or otherwise neutralize art? there's no easy way to encapsulate this really, b/c you have to bring in context and history, but the short of it is, again, it's been messing with me.

the following is from an interview w/ patton oswalt and robert siegel about their film big fan which deals w/ rabid sports-fan adulation (and which you should see). it goes thusly:
Do you think someone obsessed with sports like this is different from someone who's really into, say, an actor?

Siegel:No, I think it's the same.
Oswalt: Yeah, especially in L.A., I've seen some really, really extreme examples of people who are fans of an actor. [Gestures to a picture of John Lennon on the wall] Over there, there's a picture of a wife, child-abandoning, heroin-using anorexic that everyone worships as this paragon of peace and brotherhood. They worship the image, despite the realtiy of it...
 
Yes, that kind of hits it.

back to the altman book, I came away from it w/ a deeper richer appreciation for altman and his films and - on that level anyway - i am no less a fan. as a director he did amazing things that won't be matched and if you can keep your focus only on work, not the man, he's incredible. but should your gaze drift to the human level,  he and his loved ones paid a price. so, what to do w/ that?

should you think of any good people who have made great art forward them my way

patience, reward

the other morning margaret learned she won an oregon literary fellowship. the public announcement was to be that night at a reading featuring christopher hitchens. they comped us two tickets. in the sold out schnitzer auditorium margaret's name was announced - along with the other winners - and she stood in the warm glow of applause. we returned home to find in the mail a letter announcing the same news and a check for more money than we've seen in a long time for anything, certainly for creative endeavor.

we determined it's been at least a decade since she began writing in earnest. and what to show? a smattering of publications? a more substantial stack of refusals? the rewards are meager, few and far between. this fellowship felt like a long-forming reprieve, a tacit acknowledgment from the powers that be, a move up the ladder to the next level. sadly or happily, margaret realized this: we are so acclimated to rejection that our default state is to expect it, one presumes in fact, to invite it.

accepting and honoring what you deserve can run counter to one's internal mechanics. but margaret deserves it. for sure. at the same time there is a buddhist precept (i think, maybe it's from an old cowboy movie) that says: accept good news and bad news with the same emotion. this is what we are trying to do. Being grateful without being entitled. Altering the default setting to the one that engenders more scenarios like this, less piles of 'no thank you'. And yet at the same time committing to the work, not the response. The pursuit of applause is a hollow undertaking. It's delicious and satisfying but it's only garnish, not the meal.

also, it was a kick-ass start to 2010.

testing new scanner...

w/ amazing words from haskell wexler

william stafford interview excerpt

Once you said, "It would be too much to claim that art, the practice of it, will establish a 'good,' a serene, a superior self. No. But art will, if pursued for itself, bring into sustained realization the self most centrally yours, freed from its distortions, brough from greed or fear or ambition."

I remember that.

I don't quite understand the distinction you're making, because a self that is more centrally yours and freed from greed, fear, or ambition, sounds pretty good to me.

I probably ought to tone that down a bit, but I forgive myself for saying that partly because I was coming out on that skate from avoiding the other skate. The early part of that is I didn't want to claim that one should assume that one is creating something worthy of the ages. Not at all. So the product is expendable, but the process is precious. This is what I'd like to say. I keep meeting poets who say something like, "Well, I'm trying to do something that is worthy and lasting and beyond my lifetime," and so on. I think that's just frivolous. That's something only society decides and I don't see that it makes any difference anyway. But the process is the process of living centrally and paying attention to your own life. Surely that's worth doing. If you don't, who will? That's what living is about, and you can be distracted from living by trying to create things that will last in the terminology and the mode of society that may or may not be harmonious to your life. So I want to shrug that part off.

I think it is a big claim, and if it hadn't been an interview, probably, if I had been carefully phrasing it, I would have tried to accomplish the same thing without making such forensic claims for art. I don't want to make claims for it, but I'd like to recognize what I think I see in it and that is that real art, genuine art, comes not from hammering out something for posterity, but from making the discoveries that are yours to be made because of your unique constitution and the unique encounter you have in experience.

no words

margaret and i had the grand (mis)fortune to stumble across this on tv last night.

k-mac

here's some awesome paintings by our friend kathy m. we have a photograph she took hanging in our living room and a print she made hanging in our bathroom. Also, there's a portrait of us she did (you'll see it at her site) which we are currently struggling to find a home for in our house. Our previous (rental) houase had 12 ft ceilings and the painting fit perfectly there. she's awesome though. and happy to do commisions.

musee d'orsay, from the files of