Been digging through some old journals recently, not merely for nostalgia's sake (though I admit to having a kryptonite-like weakness for such) but for a future film project (or more specifically to aid with the rewriting of a screenplay for a future film project.) Said future movie is set in college and features characters based on some I've known, some I've been, all with the requisite amount of self-concern appropriate to that age. I was both entertained and shocked at my pages - a document of booze, coupling, aspiration, bad jobs, academia, malaise in a small college town in Northern California in the early to mid 90s - at how it captured what I was doing but also what I was feeling/thinking and primarily consumed with: getting over seismic heartbreak and navigating through new people and scenarios with a profound level of self-consumption, self-aggrandizement, self, self, self, self, self.
My opinion of my own (past) self and where I was headed and what I would do is both funny and sad from this current viewpoint, looking backwards 20 odd years, watching steam and vapor trails and abstractions of my (imagined) self coalescing, settling, and hardening even though the me of then thought I was further along and more finished than the me of now does. My behavior in several instances was not laudable - I'll spare the details - but driven by what I can only classify as a sick sort of entitlement. Who the hell did I think I was? I kept asking as I read. And then my eyes fell upon this passage, a ripple of prescience:
which says, if you can't decode my scribbling:
"It's quite conceivable that I'll look back upon
this portion of my life, many years from now, and find myself sickened at my self-involvement. Alas, a bridge to be traversed later."
Well BP, I'm traversing that bridge now. (Though does a person excoriating themselves for being too self-involved on their own self-involved blog mean anything?) Here I am. There you are and here I am. Don't get me too wrong, this is all wonderful for the sake of the future movie - which will share some things in common with this person/place I once was - but I do wish it didn't come bundled with shame, regret, misgivings, error, misstep. And so on. And so on. And so on.