man and hat reunited, part deux
my mind has been all over the place of late, up and down and inside and outside all at once. trapdoors and subfloors. this is most typified by the current interactions and relational activity w/ my blue knit hat, seen above (alas in monochrome). it is an item that i have deep affection for and in colder times - such as the past three bizarre wintry weeks here in portland - i keep it on or near my person at all times.
as i type this i am just returned from the downtown branch of the mult co library where i returned some overdue items, checked the available dvds, and then checked out some items. Suddenly i couldn't find the hat. It was on my head upon entry but at some juncture between those two moments - opening the front door and putting freshly checked out dvds in my bob nagel distributing company bag (swag from a customers lunch some months back wherein i attended w/ some facility techs from work; further, it can be noted, a bag that mm mocks mercilessly, calling it my 'drug bag' as toting it i appear - she claims - to be the lowest rung on low profile narcotic exchange) - the hat had taken leave of me. Gone. Verifiably not there. A surge of white-hot fear shot out from my belly with an electric sputtering intensity. What to do? Panic set in, reached for me, clutched my shoulders, shook me like a brunch-soiled damp napkin. I've been meditating and reading pema chodron lately so a harmonic voice within me intoned breathe into it brian. just breathe. I set out to retrace my steps. I looked around the check-out desk but found nothing of note. I walked back to the dvd shelves where i suddenly recalled pausing mere moments ago as i held godard and pasolini and haeneke, thinking will i actually watch these or will they just sit on the coffee table for 3 wks until i have to return them and think 'i shouldn't have got those'? That pause was a natural place for one to set one's hat down. Fingers crossed, breath held, and no - sadly - no hat reunion would occur at this point in space and time. There were two possibilities a) hat stolen b) hat turned in lost and found. i managed to make my lip stop quivering long enough to inquire at a desk if any hats had appeared in, say, the last two minutes. No was the answer. A fat unequivocal no and get out of my face barked at me from the cosmos. My options were dwindling. The hat must be stolen. One of these lovely people spread out w/ their suitcases w/ a stack of literature must have spotted my hat, seen me set it aside for a moment and - right place, right time - swooped in and taken posession of said hat with me none the wiser. ah well, i thought, maybe this is the end of this romance. some of those library table-dwellers need a hat much more than i and after all, all things must pass. Each moment began to bloat and extend and i was suddenly in a fog of molasses dreamtime but despite this i was able to remember to summon myself to retrace one final step, meaning the first step, over at the drop slot where i returned the delinquent dvd's upon entering the facility. there, laying on the counter, unsullied and unmolested, bearing the slight fear of possible loss, like a baby pup accidentally separated from her mom, lay the sweet angelic blue of my knit hat. and i gently scooped her up and cradled her, whispering i'm right here. i'm right here. and all was well...