trains on parallel tracks

The start of Stardust Memories. In many ways the perfect embodiment of how I've felt most of my adult life - a much better time is happening just across the way and I am not invited, per circumstance or per some deficiency unbeknownst to me (or worse, well known to me). Part of this is just part of my internal chemistry but another part was wholly exacerbated by the BT in 2005 and all subsequent years. The me in this world split in two, co-existing in what appeared to be the very same place but in which was in fact a replica minus myself. Nobody could/can understand really.  [This idea surfaces to a degree in    
 the black sea]. I could use words to explain it - as I'm doing right now - but they can only approximate shades and tones, meager percentage of the whole.

As I approach a decade out from this it's slowly becoming clear that this -the separate existence, the parallel tracks, wanting others to comprehend the incomprehensible - will endure. If that's the price of not falling prey to oblivion I'll pay it every time but if I am truly honest the price also contains a deep isolating sadness. Explicating the inexplicable - even if it were remotely possible -  will not unlock the way home.



Also, Requiescat in Pace Gordon Willis